Monday, October 31, 2005

Ok, I know I just posted, like, an hour ago, but I felt compelled to share this little piece of inspiration with the masses. This is an actual quote from one of my textbooks on nursing theory:

"Envision rainbows of light particles surrounding and enveloping the nurse and patient. These particles are vibrating, intermingling, ebbing, and flowing as the transpersonal moment occurs. At close proximity, individual colors emitted by both the patient and the nurse intensify and mix, and when the two move away from each other the colors soften and become pale. When nurse and patient conclude the interaction, and one or the other moves increasingly away, there is a pale trail of vibrating color that follows each participant, with lingering hues of the nurse within the client and the client within the nurse."

Somehow, I feel like the only way to do this paragraph justice is to put it to interpretive dance. Unfortunately, I'm not the best choreographer. But remember this next time you are a patient at a docotor's office or hospital. Pay close attention to your conversation with your nurse, and watch for the rainbows. Surely this is what nursing is all about...

Happy Halloween! I forgot at least 3 times today that it was Halloween. Ever since I got too old to wear a costume to school, Halloween has slowly lost its appeal. Sad day...

However, one of my teachers proved today that you are never really to old to dress up for class. She came to our afternoon class dressed in men's slacks, a plaid flannel shirt, suspenders, a poorly tied neck-tie, a wig with a comb-over, and one of those masks with the black glasses and fuzzy moustache. She informed us that our regular teacher wasn't feeling well today, and she was the substitute, Dr. Feelgood. She proceeded to read aloud to the class an email outlining all the ways we might be certain we are Texans. It was quite amusing. She did eventually lose the mask, but she wore the rest of the ensemble for the remainder of the class.

So at first, this whole production seemed a little out of place in a classroom full of college seniors. Surely we should be above such foolish shenanigans. But then, upon further contemplation of the matter, I decided that I actually hope to be like this teacher someday. Not so much in the choice of clothing, but in the fact that she has not forgotten how to enjoy life. I don't know exactly how old this particular teacher is, but I'm pretty sure she is one of the "most mature" members of the faculty, yet here she is, cracking herself up at her own silliness. I love it! I want to be that. The person who loves life so much that they don't care what other people think about them. The one who is secure enough in themselves to be willing to laugh at themselves simply for the sake of putting a smile on someone else's face. That's the person I want to be. No more being so insecure of who I am that I try to be everyone else. If God wanted me to be someone else, He would have made me someone else! But He made me me on purpose. I should be embracing my uniqueness, thanking God for every little quirk and flaw He gave me. Because those are what make me ME!

(But someone, please, stop me if I try to go out in public in suspenders and a comb-over wig. The line must be drawn somewhere!)

Saturday, October 29, 2005

Anyone else ever find it weird that the days you do absolutely nothing are the ones that exhaust you the most? Maybe that's just me. It's questionable whether I did anything of actual value at all today. It was however, a very emotionally draining day. But I think it was needed. I hope...

I did spend some time with Phyllis tonight. Hooray for socialization! We are still working on watching the first season of Gilmore Girls. The tension between Luke and Lorelai is already unbearable. I don't know how they kept them apart for 4 seasons. Geniuses, those writers.

My car has decided to take on a personality of it's own. It has taken to fits of stubborness, during which it refuses to start, despite my most heart-felt pleas for cooperation. Three times now it has displayed such unruly behavior. Each time it requires a certain amount of time for sulking, after which it graciously agrees to offer me its services again. I'm not sure what is to be done with such a moody vehicle, but such behavior certainly cannot go unpunished! I'm open to suggestions regarding possible causes for said fits of rebellion, as well as ideas on what to do to end them.

God bless who ever invented daylight savings! An extra hour of sleep is certainly a thing of beauty.

Friday, October 28, 2005

I'm sick of emotional rollercoasters! When will this ride end?

"I've got the peace that passes understanding down in my heart....Where?....Down in my heart to stay!!"

Man, I love that song. Brings back memories of many a summer at VBS and church camp, in a room packed full of hyper little kids, all clapping and singing at the top of their lungs...Good times.

Only now, this verse of the song suddenly has a whole new meaning to me. For years, it's just been a cute little alliteration, fun to sing and clap to. But now I'm realizing what it is that I've been singing about for longer than I can remember. I am actually feeling this peace, this peace that goes far beyond my understanding.

On the surface, nothing has really changed much in my life in recent days. I still feel confused, alone, and hurt a good portion of the time. But deep down, below the surface, something big is going on. I don't know how to explain it; I really don't understand it. All I know is that I suddenly feel at peace in the midst of my uncertainty. I still have no idea what's going on in my life, no idea where I'll be or what I'll be doing in 7 months, no idea what the future holds for me, and I'm ok with that. What I do know is that God has my life in His hands, and He has a plan for it that's bigger than anything I can imagine. I am learning to trust Him, and in return, He is blessing me with an incredible sense of peace...the peace that passes understanding.

"And if the devil doesn't like it, he can sit on a tack....Ouch!....Sit on a tack to stay!"

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

So my computer decided to revive itself. That's exciting! When I got back to Abilene after being home for the weekend, it had decided it didn't want to work anymore. But today, it mysteriously decided to return to its former fully-functional state. Silly temperamental technology. Weird.

Today I had a consultation with a personal trainer at Hendrick Health Club. Don't worry, I'm not becoming super-fitness-girl or anything, it's just that when I joined, they offered me one free consultation. So, you know me, I'm all about getting my money's worth. Anyway, this girl just took me around and showed me how to use all the fancy machines and such. At one point she told me that I had good legs with "nice, long thighs." Are long thighs a desirable trait? I never really thought about it before. Huh. Thank you, mom and dad, for blessing me with long-thigh genes. I think...

I am so tired right now. I don't really know why though. Earlier today I took a 2 1/2 hour nap. It was beautiful. But I feel like I could fall over at any moment just now. Does it make me a huge dork to go to bed at 9:15? Honestly, I don't really care. I think I'm gonna do it anyway. Goodnight all!

Sunday, October 23, 2005

I am home in Arlington right now. It's nice to be out of Abilene for a bit. Nice to see friends that I haven't seen in a while. Even though half of them live in Abilene as well...ok, that might be a slight exaggeration...

Anyway, I found out this weekend that my brother has a new girlfriend; a piece of information he convenietly failed to mention to his sister. Seriously Brandon, does our siblinghood mean nothing to you? Just kidding. I forgive you...this time.

Today I went to another wedding. It was a nice wedding, but it was kind of hard to sit through. Not because I'm not happy for the couple or anything, but just because weddings remind me of how lonely I am. Not that I have any desire to be married tomorrow or anything, but I liked the feeling of knowing that it was on the horizon. And, in addition to the wedding I attended today, I now know of 9 other weddings which will be occurring within the next 8 months. All of which involve at least one member of the couple that I am fairly close to. Holy gracious. What is going on? When did I become old enough for all this? Life is so confusing right now...

Friday, October 21, 2005

I have been slacking on my blogging. Shame on me. But, life is busy, so what can you do?

I am going home today! Hooray! I haven't been home since...Julie's wedding, maybe? That was the beginning of August. Sounds about right. So it should be good to see the fam and chill a bit. Although I do have some studying I need to do. We'll see how that goes... I'll also be attending yet another wedding while I'm home. Seriously. I've never been to so many weddings in such a short period of time before. It seems insane. But I like weddings, so there you go.

Um...yeah, I don't really have anything of extraordianary excitement to ramble about today. Sad day. So, I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Thursday, October 13, 2005

This weekend is homecoming weekend at ACU. And Hardin-Simmons. And McMurry. I don't know who decided that it would be a good idea for all 3 universities in town to have homecoming on the same weekend, but my personal sentiments are that they should be taken out and shot. Or at least firmly reprimanded. Our poor little town is going to be overrun with parents, alumni, and students, all mysteriously consumed by seemingly inhuman amounts of school spirit. Should be good times...

Not that I really have a whole lot of room to talk though. While my typical homecoming behavior is either silent tolerance or blatant avoidance, it seems as though this year I am being sucked into the madness. Phyllis just talked me into attending chapel tomorrow, which will be a homecoming pep rally, followed by performances by the Big Purple band, the ACU cheerleaders, and the Flying Cats. I'm only going to support Phyllis, who is now a member of the Flying Cats, and because she promised to go to lunch with me afterwards if I came. I guess I can take this opportunity to reminisce about my days in the Big Purple during freshman year. Although not a whole lot of great memories come to mind...

My homecoming festivities don't end there, oh no! Sarah has convinced me to attend the homecoming parade with her on Saturday morning. (Assuming I get off work in time. I have to work at 5am Saturday morning because Sub-T 16 is having their homecoming breakfast at Fairway Oaks. There is no escape!!) And because I love Sarah, I will go, and perhaps even enjoy it. There is also talk of my attending (gasp!) the homecoming football game!!! I talked to Stephen earlier this evening, and apparently there are potential plans in the works for a group outing to the game to support our fellow Wildcats. Following the game, we will be attending the homecoming musical together. (Although, I must admit I am excited about the musical. I love musicals, and I love Dr. Seuss, and since this year's musical is Seussical, I think my chances of being entertained are fairly good.)

So who would have thought that I, the one who has only set foot on ACU's campus twice since school started, would be attending practically all of the homecoming hoopla? Life is weird. But I like my friends, and I could definitely use the socialization and distraction that the weekend is certain to provide. So, we'll see how it goes. Yay ACU! (Just practicing.)

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

So I recently began reading the book of Jeremiah, you know, in the Bible? Yeah, I've never read it before. It's kind of depressing, actually. I think that maybe I've tried reading it before, but lost interest or something. I don't know. But for some reason, this time I get it. God is basically saying to His people: "Hey, did you forget about me? I'm the one who made you, I'm the one who blessed you, so why are you giving all your worship and praise to these cheap, man-made gods? I'm getting pretty sick of being ignored up here, and if you don't shape up, I'm ready to take away everything I've given you." So, that's a little harsh. It seems so dumb that these people would forget about God and start worshipping little pieces of wood and metal. But then, upon further reflection, I realize that maybe I'm not so unlike the people Jeremiah is talking to. No, I haven't been bowing down to little statues I carved out of logs or anything, but maybe I haven't been bowing down to the Real God either. I've heard it said that whatever you devote the most time and energy to is what you worship. Hmmm...that doesn't make things look so pretty for me. If I'm completely honest with myself, I spent the vast majority of my time and energy trying to make Brooke happy. Doing what I want to do, when I feel like doing it. Basically, worshipping myself. And when I'm not worrying about keeping me happy, I'm worrying about keeping other people happy. Primarily, until recently, Ryan. I'm not saying that I always did the best job at achieving the desired outcome, but a lot of my time and energy was focused on him. That in and of itself would not necessarily be a bad thing, except I know I spent more effort trying to please him than I did trying to please God. That is a bad thing. So as I'm reading the words Jeremiah spoke to these people thousands of years ago, I feel like he might as well have addressed them to me. Only I'm hoping to heed the message and repent before I am destroyed, unlike the initial recipients. One verse that really hit me is Jeremiah 10:23~"I know, O Lord, that a man's life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps." This is something I've been learning first hand as of late. It's kind of comforting to know that people have been struggling with this truth for thousands of years. I mean, yeah, it would be nice if we could have figured that out a long time ago, but it's also nice to know I'm not alone in the way I'm feeling.

Monday, October 10, 2005

So I guess I should have known that not knowing how to be girlfriend would naturally entail not knowing how to handle a breakup. Wow. I wish someone would have told me that. I have absolutely no idea what to do right now! I literally feel like the world is crashing down around me and there's nothing I can do about it. If I try to keep myself from hurting, I hurt other people. If I try to keep from hurting other people, I get hurt. What am I supposed to do? I guess the term "breakup" implies pain. Something that's breaking isn't going to be easy or pleasant. But wow. I never knew it could be this bad. I feel like I'm being torn apart. Part of me knows I can't move on unless I put distance between myself and this other person, but part of me just wants to run to his side and never leave! Both options hurt so bad. I really thought I was doing better than this. Apparently not. I don't know what made me think that suddenly losing someone that you loved so deeply for so long wouldn't be such a hard transition to make. God, please make this better. I hate ending every day in tears. I hate feeling like I'll never be as happy as I was again. I hate this whole situation. I just want things to be good again.

Sunday, October 09, 2005

Today Michelle and I shared a very special roommate bonding experience. Although it involved me subjecting her to great pain, I believe it was really a testament to the great love I have for her. If you want the details, you'll have to ask her. It's not my story to share.

Intrigued? I know, I hate it when people do that to me too.

I slept through church today. I'm sure I'll be condemned immediately. Actually, I forced myself to get up in time to go to church because Michelle and I had talked about going last night, and I didn't want to flake out. But as soon as I discovered that Michelle had overslept as well, I had no qualms about getting back in bed and sleeping for an additional 2 hours. I'm such a heathen!

It is such a gorgeous day outside! Definitely not the kind of day I want to spend doing homework and going to work. But then, when it comes down to it, no day is that kind of day. Michelle and I have every window in our apartment open. It's so great. We're going to see if we can make it an entire month using neither A/C nor heat in attempts to make up for the outrageous sums we've been forced to pay for electricity in past months. I hope the temperatures cooperate with us.

A note to the reader: I apologize for the fact that my past several posts have been overwhelmingly depressive in nature. I have come to the conclusion that just because I am not entirely thrilled with life right now, I don't have to make everyone else subject to my gloominess. I will attempt to be better in the future. But I make no promises, because, after all, a girl's gotta vent sometimes. I appreciate your understanding.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

"I'm afraid that some times
you'll play lonely games too.
Games you can't win
'cause you'll play against you.

All Alone!
Whether you like it or not,
Alone will be something
you'll be quite a alot.

And when you're alone, there's a very good chance
you'll meet things that scare you right out of your pants.
There are some, down the road between hither and yon,
that can scare you so much you don't want to go on.

But on you will go
though the weather be foul.
On you will go
though your enemies prowl.
On you will go
though the Hakken-Kraks howl.
Onward up many
a frightening creek,
though your arms may get sore
and your sneakers may leak.

On and on you will hike.
And I know you'll hike far
and face up to your problems
whatever they are.

You'll get mixed up, of course,
as you already know.
You'll get mixed up
with many strange birds as you go.
So be sure when you step.
Step with care and great tact
and remember that Life's
a Great Balancing Act.
Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
And never mix up your right foot with your left.

And will you succeed?
Yes! You will, indeed!
(98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)

~Dr. Seuss, Oh, the Places You'll Go!

God, where are you? Where is the light that's supposed to be at the end of this tunnel? I thought maybe I saw it, but right now, I'm in complete darkness. I'm hurting so bad. What am I supposed to do? I know I'm supposed to learn from my mistakes, but how can I when all I want to do is go back and fix them? Why can't we all just be born knowing how to live life? Why do lessons have to be so hard? Why do other people have to get hurt? I don't konw what to do anymore. I feel like I'm being torn in half. God, I know you're there somewhere. Please come find me and take this pain away from me. I can't do this by myself. I need you. Please hold me while I cry. Help me know that someday I will be happy again. And so will he. It will probably just have to be without me. That hurts to admit. Make it not so painful. Please...

Friday, October 07, 2005

Good morning! I like new days, because for a few brief moments, I haven't messed anything up yet.

Yesterday was the kind of day that you just want to spend curled up in bed reading a good book. It was cold and rainy all day. You gotta love Texas weather. A week ago we're breaking records with 102 degree days, and then all of a sudden we're desperately trying to remember where we stashed our sweaters. I love it.

Unfortunately, I did not get to spend my day curled up in bed. I had to be at the hospital at 6:30am for clinicals. My last hospital clinical of the semester! Yay! I was on the labor & delivery floor, and I actually got to witness a baby being born. It was so amazing! And let me just tell you, this child was eager to get out into the world. The doctor barely got in the room in time to catch the baby as she practically delivered herself onto the bed. It was awesome. The part that I found most incredible was the fact that the mom, who was just a few months older than me, was able to go from screaming and crying in the worst pain imaginable to sheer wonder and love for this little person in a matter of seconds. Further proof that the things in life that cause us the most pain are also capable of producing a happiness and love that we never thought imaginable. Wow...

Things are still hard. I still have my emotional breakdown moments. But God will get me through this. I just have to keep trusting Him.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Today was a day full of distractions. I think that is just the kind of day I needed it to be. My mom drove in from Arlington this morning to keep me company for the day. I'm not afraid to admit it: I still need my mommy. She took me out to lunch and was just there for me. We had some really good conversation. There was talk about Ryan, and my hurting, and my confusion, and my uncertainty about what the future holds. But there was also talk of completely random things. Things that took my mind of the pain and put a smile on my face.

I also got to see both of my wonderful brothers. I guess it's kind of sad that we all 3 live in the same city, yet rarely see each other. But I know that they love me and would do absolutely anything for me. That's a very nice knowlede to carry around with me. Oh, and I musn't forget my fabulous sister-in-law. She can always make me laugh. And, as we all know, laughter is the best medicine.

It's very hard for me to fight the urge to pick up the phone and call Ryan and tell him how much I miss him every second of the day. But I know that that would not be the healthiest of decisions right now. I have to learn how to be me by myself, dependent upon God alone.

"Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken."
~Psalm 62:5-6

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

My heart is hurting right now. It is broken, and I don't know how to fix it. I know that God does, and I know that he will make everything better, but it's one thing to know that, and an entirely different thing to know that.

I've never been one to embrace uncertainty. I like to have my life all neatly planned out. I thought it was, and then, in the next moment, it wasn't anymore. I am not in control. But God is.

So you know how they say "God answers prayers?" I'm here to tell you that it's true. But here's what they don't always tell you: His answer isn't always the one we want it to be. Sometimes God says, "No." Or, "Wait a while." Or, "I have something great planned for you, you just have to trust me!!" A little over a week ago, I prayed that God would help me get my priorities back in line. I told Him that if that required me to sacrifice something I held onto very tightly, I was willing to do that. It was one of those prayers that I really meant, but secretly hoped God would not require me to make good on. Well, guess what. He did. That same day, the very thing I didn't want to give up was asked of me. I reluctantly let go of it, but not completely. There was a little piece that I held onto with a death grip. Today, the last piece was asked of me. With many tears and much pain, I have handed over to God the last of the thing which I held so dearly. I feel like He took my heart right along with it. But isn't that all God wants from us anyway? Our hearts? Who knew it would be such a painful procedure. It's taking all I have in me not to try to grab it right back out of His hands. But I can't. I know that it is safer there than anywhere else. I know that in time, he will work wonderful, amazing things in it. Maybe someday I will be given back that thing to which I clung so strongly. If so, I know it will be given back in a much better condition than when it was taken. But if God doesn't choose to give it back, I know he will give me something even better in return. It's just hard to imagine at this point that something better could exist...

God, please be with me through this painful time in my life. I know that you know exactly how I'm feeling and that you can see the bigger picture in all this when I can't. Please also be with Ryan. I know he is hurting too. Wrap your arms around him and let him feel your presence and your love. Help us both to know and understand that there is a reason all this is happening, and that in the end, we will both be stronger for having gone through it. Help us both to know that you and you alone are the only one who can fix our broken hearts. Thank you for loving us.

Sunday, October 02, 2005

Sometimes I wonder why life is so hard. Why do people have misunderstandings? Why can't everything just be good? I don't like hurting. And I don't like hurting other people.

I'm really convinced that God is trying to get my attention. And it's working. Most of my life things have come easily for me. I've never really had to try that hard at anything that I wanted. Instead of acknowledging that as an incredible blessing from God, I let myself think that somehow I did it. Like I was just the one person in the world for whom everything just kind of worked. Only now, all of a sudden, my pretty little picture-perfect life isn't so pretty anymore. I'm hurting more than I've ever hurt before. And worse than that, I'm causing pain to the person I love more than anyone else. And I have no idea how to fix it. All of a sudden, I no longer have the magic words to make everything better. And that realization gives way to an even bigger realization: I never had the magic words. God has been behind every good thing that has happened to me. He's the one that put me in an awesome Christian family, who blessed me with amazing friends, who gave me the ability to excell in school, who blessed me with all my material possessions, who gave me the opportunity to succeed, and who allowed me to find someone to love. But I was never really grateful. Sure, I gave Him lip service. I thanked God for "everything He gave me" every time I said my prayers. But I never really acknowledged that God is, in fact, the source of all good things, and as such, He has the ability to take them away. I don't know why I was able to get by with that attitude for so long. But now, as I'm sitting here wondering why my world seems to be spinning out of control, I'm realizing that it was never in my control to start with. I'm thinking, "Ok God, I get it! You're in control! Not me!" But part of understanding that means understanding that God doesn't work on my timetable. If things are still hard, it's because there's a reason they're still hard. He's not through with me yet. So that's not easy. But I still believe that this all will turn out for the best, whatever that means. But prayers for the journey would always be welcome!