Ninety degrees in January. Is that allowed? Apparently so.
I am starting to get excited about the changes that will inevitably be occurring in my life in the coming months. Change is scary, yes. But change is also exciting.
Today I talked with the nicest lady ever at Cook Children's Medical Center about doing my preceptorship there in March. She made it sound like it's basically a done deal, we just have to work out the details like which unit I'll be on and who my preceptor will be. And there is a possibility that I could be finished with the whole thing by the end of April. What a deal! It's funny. When I found out at the end of last semester that I had to be the one to initiate contact with someone if I wanted to do my preceptorship outside of Abilene, the thought petrified me. I've never been one who's super excited to make phone calls to strangers, especially regarding things of such importance. I always sat back and let other people do that for me. Silly, I know, but that's just me. Or was me.
Over the course of the last several months, I've started coming out of my shell. I've learned that people are not scary; they're just people. Just like me, just like my friends, just like my family. Why it took me 22 years to figure this out, I'll never know. But the discovery has certainly changed my perspective on life. I was always afraid to open up around people out of fear that they might not like me. As a result, I was always the quiet, awkward one who rarely initiated conversation and assumed that the majority of the people I came in contact with were much to good to really be interested in a friendship with me. I interpreted most of my acquaintances to be very shallow and surface level, because who would really care enough to know what I really thought? I certainly didn't think my opinions held much merit. And so, because this was the reality I expected, this was the reality I experienced. I never really let anyone in. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't a recluse or anything, but I kept just about everyone at the surface of my life. And because I wasn't willing to let anyone into my inner world, very few people invited me into their inner worlds. I used to always be proud of the fact that I had never fought with any of my friends. But now, I look back and regret the fact that I was never secure enough in my friendships to know that they would survive a disagreement or two. I became the ultimate people-pleaser. My goal in life was to ensure everyone else's happiness, even if it meant sacrificing my own. Now, I don't believe that my own personal happiness is the ultimate goal of life. I firmly believe that love requires sacrifice. But I don't think it calls for a complete loss of self. And that is exactly where I found myself just a few months ago. I had no idea who I was anymore. I knew that God had created me as me on purpose, and I hated the fact that I didn't know who that was. Unfortunately, it took a great amount of pain to get me to realize that. Deep down, I always knew I'd appreciate it eventually, but I'm only just now starting to believe it. I feel like I'm finally starting to become the person God created me to be. And it feels wonderful! I am learning to open up to people and pour into them, and finding out that they are willing to open up and pour into me in return. I'm finally learning what true friendship feels like. And I'm finally realizing that my unique little quirks and oddities are what make me me. And I'm proud of that. I don't want to be everybody else anymore. I like being me. That is huge for me!
Anyway, I hadn't intended on this post turning into....whatever it is that it turned into, but there you go. These are the thoughts that have been swirling around in my head as of late, and I guess they just decided it was time to make their presence known.