Clinicals start tomorrow. That means very early mornings for me. Boo.

It's so windy right now. I fear that one day my apartment will be blown over by the wind. I was almost knocked down by a large wind gust today. Sad, isn't it? I literally had to start walking faster to go along with the wind instead of being killed by it.

Gilmore Girls was weird tonight. It was a pretty decent episode as far as story line goes, but they started doing these really weird camera angles and stuff during one scene. It was bizarre. Maybe it was the producer's attempt at being artistic, but it totally didn't flow with the rest of the show. Wow...I am officially a Gilmore Girls nerd. I'm stopping now.

Goodnight.

Procrastination, anyone?

So I'm really sick of studying. Sad, since I've only been in school for 2 weeks. Oh well. I guess I'll just have to get over it.

Tonight I attempted to learn how to juggle. I started out fairly well. I could do about one...round?...rotation?...whatever. But just as I would think I had it down, I'd get ahead of myself and hit myself in the face. Not pleasant. Perhaps it's time to rethink my dreams of being a world-famous juggler...

Ryan and I have decided to give things another shot. This makes me happy on the inside. And the outside.

I am amazed at how different my life is now from how it was just a few months ago. There have been hard times and amazing times, and all of them have helped me grow as a person. God works in some pretty crazy ways. I'm interested to see what He has planned for the coming months...

Here is a list of things that I would ideally like to accomplish, but that may or may not actually come to fruition. (I used the word "fruition" in context...I rock.)

• Start going to bed before midnight on a regular basis.
• Limit my Dr. Pepper consumption to one a day.
• Stay on top of my reading assignments.
• Actually know what my reading assignments are.
• Reestablish some sense of orderliness in my room at least once a week.
• Go grocery shopping and actually eat the food I purchase before it goes bad.
• Start eating breakfast.
• Limit the frequency of my eating-out to twice a week.
• Finish reading Blue Like Jazz and Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix, and start and finish Pride and Prejudice.
• Make it to my morning class on time.
• Wake up when my alarm clock goes off.
• Have at least a vague idea of what is going on in my life and what I'm supposed to be doing.

Well, I think that should be enough to keep me sufficiently occupied for the time being. Wish me luck!

Yesterday I got an email from a friend who I haven't seen since about 9th or 10th grade. She and I went to church together and went to the same high school, but somewhere along the way she quit coming to church, and my high school was so huge, our paths rarely crossed. I actually had no idea if she even graduated or where she was anymore. I had pretty much put her on my list of people who I never expected to hear from again. (Not that I actually have such a list, but you know...) But God does some crazy things. Based on the huge percentage of my youth group that ended up at ACU, she guessed that's where I was, and searched the website for my email address. Voila. The magic of modern technology. She is now married (add another one to the list...) and living in Pennsylvania. I am excited to be able to catch up with my long-lost friend!

Remember back in junior high and high school when we had spirit days? I was thinking about that today. I'm not really sure what the purpose of those was supposed to be. We rarely had any spirit days where we were encouraged to wear school colors or anything. We had stuff like hat day, pajama day, and crazy sock day. I think my favorite was pajama day. Crazy sock day really wasn't much of a big deal to me. I have crazy sock day everyday. I think the weirdest day I remember having was in 4th grade. We had no-talk day. I don't know why. It wasn't a school-wide thing or anything, it was just the 4th grade. We were supposed to go the whole day without speaking a word. The only exception was recess. I guess they figured a bunch of 10-year-olds need some sort of release. I think maybe we got some sort of reward if we made it the whole day without talking. I don't really remember. Back then, we all thought it was so much fun. But looking back, I bet our teachers just got sick of listening to us, and told us it would be a fun game to try to keep quiet. Huh. I wonder how well that would go over with in my class now. I have a feeling I'd be out pretty quick.

You gotta love one day trips to Arlington and back. I left this morning at 10am and returned tonight at 11pm. I'm pooped. But it was a good trip. As I drove into the metroplex, I noticed some of those big computerized message boards warning about the dangers of fire due to the drought conditions. They read: "State-wide fire danger. Arson/burn ban in effect." Really?? Since when has arson not been banned? Have I had free reign to go around starting fires at will all this time and nobody told me? Wow. Sometimes, I think people just don't think things through.

I am in dire need of a day off. And we've only been in school for a week. This is sad.

Last night I dreamed that I had a baby. No clue where that came from. But I remember that in my dream, I asked the nurse delivering my baby what kind of medicine they had me on because I was in absolutely no pain. She told me what it was called, but now I don't remember. Too bad. That could have been some useful information in the future. And I remember that my baby (it was a girl) had an unnaturally excessive amount of hair for a newborn. Weird. I don't remember much else about it.

I survived the first week of the semester with only a few, fleeting thoughts of gouging my eyes out with my pen. So that's good, I guess. Actually, I've actually been finding the things we're talking about pretty interesting at this point, which makes attending class significantly more bearable. We'll see how long that lasts. I'm very ready to be done with school. As freaked out as I am at the prospect of having to be a real person, I'm very ready to be at a point in my life when I can go to work, come home, and actually have the rest of the evening to do whatever I want/need to do. No more of this wake up, go to school, then go immediately to work, then go home to read/study for school the next day, then go to bed so I can wake up and do it all again the next day. It's just not optimal. I've barely had time to breathe since Monday. I know that real life has it's own set of stresses, but I think the change of stress will be refreshing.

Overall, I am pretty happy with life right now. This is very exciting to me. I spent a good majority of last semester wondering if I would ever get to this point again, and I thank God for being faithful in getting me here. I'm looking forward to seeing what other plans He has in store for the coming months!

So I've only had 2 days of school this semester, and already I'm feeling incredibly exhausted. Just thinking about what all I am expected to accomplish in the upcoming weeks and months makes me want to curl up in a ball and hide until May. But I will not. I will overcome! So far I have actually been reading for class, listening in class, and even daring to ask questions in class! Whoa. Could be that I am actually starting to show some interest in my academic endeavors? We'll see...

I am actually quite excited about the semester ahead. True, it will be nothing but pure insanity, but I am determined to succeed. I'm already finding the combination of school and increased work hours to be tricky, but I figure I only plan to stay at my job for another month or so, so I can take it. My job itself is quite insane at the moment as well. Since they pretty much changed the entire way the place is run at the beginning of the year, several people have quit and several new people have been hired. It will be interesting to see how the new dynamic works. I am also quite excited about the social aspect of this semester. Now, it's easy to ask, what with work and class and everything else, how is there time to be social? And the answer is, basically, there's not. And so, I must learn how to be social while doing these things. I have suddenly become less afraid of people and more willing to interact with those around me, which as turned my world upside-down. I'm actually getting to know people I have worked with and gone to school with for years. It's fun! Why I didn't figure this out sooner, I don't know. But I'm loving it. And of course, I will absolutely still find time to spend with my friends who exist outside of my nursing-school-country-club world. Obviously.

Anyway, the point of all this nonsense is simply to say, the semester has begun, it's already insane, but for some unknown reason, the insanity has me incredibly excited about the possibilities that come with it!

Tomorrow I will embark upon what will very possibly be my last first day of school ever!! How weird is that? I'm loving the fact that there are so many uncertainties in my life right now. I know that sounds sarcastic, but I'm actually fairly serious in that sentiment. Realizing that I currently have almost no control over my future requires me to have faith in God like I've never had before. I like it. Yeah, it's scary, but mostly it's exciting. I know that God can see a much bigger picture than I can, so I trust that wherever He leads me will be exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Today, a cat followed Michelle into our apartment. I think it was attracted by the bags of garbage I placed on the front porch this morning and forgot about. I cornered it in the bathroom, informed it that it does not live here, and took it back outside. Then I took the trash down to the dumpster. I saw it wandering about aimlessly as I made my trek across the parking lot to the dumpsters, and I wondered if it had a home. I've never been much of a cat person, but lately I've developed a tolerance for them that borders on actual liking. I blame it on Phyllis and her cats who insist on sitting on me and being so incredibly cute. Blast! Anyway, this cat was quite cute, and I hope that it does, in fact, have a home and someone to feed it.

I washed my sheets today. I like clean sheets. I figured, what better way to start a fresh semester than with a good night's sleep on fresh sheets? Just thought everyone should know.

"The Real Thing"

Every word I say, I mean it
Every single day, I feel it
But sometimes when you talk
It's obvious you want to show it
So don't blow it

Tell me what we got, tell me it's a lot tell me it's the real thing
Tell me not to change and always be the same, tell me that's a good thing
It's a good thing
Tell me not to lie, tell me not to wait
Tell me that you want the same things as me
Tell me that it's fate driving me insane
Tell me it's the real thing
That keeps me hangin on

I can read the signs between us
I feel it inside when you come nearer
There's a stillness in the air like no one else is there
And every moment stays in the moment

Tell me what we got, tell me it's a lot tell me it's the real thing
Tell me not to change and always be the same, tell me that's a good thing
It's a good thing
Tell me not to lie, tell me not to wait
Tell me that you want the same things as me
Tell me that it's fate, driving me insane
Tell me it's the real thing
That keeps me hangin on

Sometimes it hurts to watch you leave
It feels like you're taking a part of me with you
I never know how it'll be
I guess it's just a mystery
But is it the real thing

Tell me what we got, tell me it's a lot, tell me it's the real thing
Tell me not to change and always be the same, tell me that's a good thing
It's a good thing
Tell me not to lie, tell me not to wait
Tell me that you want the same things as me
Tell me that it's fate, driving me insane
Tell me it's the real thing
That keeps me hangin on

Tell me what we got, tell me it's a lot, tell me it's the real thing
Tell me not to change and always be the same, tell me that's a good thing
It's a good thing
Tell me not to lie, tell me not to wait
Tell me that you want the same things as me
Tell me that it's fate, driving me insane
Tell me it's the real thing
The real thing

A great song by a guy named Bo Bice. Introduced to me by my good friend Sarah. I've listened to it a few times now, but for some reason just now heard what it's actually saying for the first time. Seems appropriate.

life is weird right now.

i have been working insane numbers of hours lately, which is ok i guess, but it wears me out. i've been overly-emotional lately, which i feel is mostly justified due to current goings-on in my life, but could also be a result of exhaustion. school starts back in a week. it is my final semester, which is exciting and terrifying at the same time.

in the midst of my emotional confusion tonight, i picked up my bible and let the pages fall open where they might. it opened to the book of ecclesiastes. a book all about how meaningless the things of this life are. wow. isn't that just like God? right when i'm in the middle of a pity party for myself about how confusing my life is right now, he reminds me that there is a bigger picture than what i can see, and my fretting about it isn't going to change the fact that he's got it all under control. i think these verses pretty much sum up the gist of what i needed to hear:

"Consider what God has done:
Who can straighten
what he has made crooked?
When times are good, be happy;
but when times are bad, consider:
God has made the one
as well as the other.
Therefore, a man cannot discover
anything about his future."

Ecclesiastes 7:13-14

ok God. i hear you. i know i shouldn't be so concerned about the future. i know you've got it taken care of. so why is it still so hard?

Ninety degrees in January. Is that allowed? Apparently so.

I am starting to get excited about the changes that will inevitably be occurring in my life in the coming months. Change is scary, yes. But change is also exciting.

Today I talked with the nicest lady ever at Cook Children's Medical Center about doing my preceptorship there in March. She made it sound like it's basically a done deal, we just have to work out the details like which unit I'll be on and who my preceptor will be. And there is a possibility that I could be finished with the whole thing by the end of April. What a deal! It's funny. When I found out at the end of last semester that I had to be the one to initiate contact with someone if I wanted to do my preceptorship outside of Abilene, the thought petrified me. I've never been one who's super excited to make phone calls to strangers, especially regarding things of such importance. I always sat back and let other people do that for me. Silly, I know, but that's just me. Or was me.

Over the course of the last several months, I've started coming out of my shell. I've learned that people are not scary; they're just people. Just like me, just like my friends, just like my family. Why it took me 22 years to figure this out, I'll never know. But the discovery has certainly changed my perspective on life. I was always afraid to open up around people out of fear that they might not like me. As a result, I was always the quiet, awkward one who rarely initiated conversation and assumed that the majority of the people I came in contact with were much to good to really be interested in a friendship with me. I interpreted most of my acquaintances to be very shallow and surface level, because who would really care enough to know what I really thought? I certainly didn't think my opinions held much merit. And so, because this was the reality I expected, this was the reality I experienced. I never really let anyone in. Don't get me wrong, I wasn't a recluse or anything, but I kept just about everyone at the surface of my life. And because I wasn't willing to let anyone into my inner world, very few people invited me into their inner worlds. I used to always be proud of the fact that I had never fought with any of my friends. But now, I look back and regret the fact that I was never secure enough in my friendships to know that they would survive a disagreement or two. I became the ultimate people-pleaser. My goal in life was to ensure everyone else's happiness, even if it meant sacrificing my own. Now, I don't believe that my own personal happiness is the ultimate goal of life. I firmly believe that love requires sacrifice. But I don't think it calls for a complete loss of self. And that is exactly where I found myself just a few months ago. I had no idea who I was anymore. I knew that God had created me as me on purpose, and I hated the fact that I didn't know who that was. Unfortunately, it took a great amount of pain to get me to realize that. Deep down, I always knew I'd appreciate it eventually, but I'm only just now starting to believe it. I feel like I'm finally starting to become the person God created me to be. And it feels wonderful! I am learning to open up to people and pour into them, and finding out that they are willing to open up and pour into me in return. I'm finally learning what true friendship feels like. And I'm finally realizing that my unique little quirks and oddities are what make me me. And I'm proud of that. I don't want to be everybody else anymore. I like being me. That is huge for me!

Anyway, I hadn't intended on this post turning into....whatever it is that it turned into, but there you go. These are the thoughts that have been swirling around in my head as of late, and I guess they just decided it was time to make their presence known.