To my knowledge, I have never had a nervous breakdown before. I think I may be very close to having one now. Approximately 8 hours ago I was asked how I felt about being the charge nurse at work tomorrow. My response? "The very thought of it terrifies me. I don't think I'm ready." End result? I am charging the pediatric unit tomorrow. Yes. I am freaked out.
I know I am probably making a bigger deal out of this than it is. I am most likely psyching myself out. I know the people I work with know my abilities, and I know they wouldn't put this on me if they didn't think I could handle it. And I also know that there are people just a phone call away who will help me in any way they can. And I know that God never calls us to do more than we are capable of doing. And I know that I am still scared out of my wits.
I held myself together at work. I listened to and wrote down everything Susie told me in my approximately hour-and-a-half-long orientation to charge nursing. I smiled and thanked everyone for their faith in me. Inside, I was crying. And as soon as I was safely out of the hospital and in my car, I was crying on the outside as well. I had a small stress-release on the way home, and then I was able to hold it together for a good hour or two. Then Susie called to tell me that I will survive tomorrow, and she will help me do so. I cried again. I cried more when I called my parents to tell them how terrified I am. You would think there might be a limit to how many freak-out tears a person is allowed, but I have clearly not reached mine yet.
What I need to do is just take a deep breath, say a prayer, and trust that God isn't going to leave me. Tomorrow is just another day. People obviously have confidence in my abilities, so I should too. Of course I won't know everything, and of course I will probably make some mistakes, but that is all part of the learning process. Right? That's what they keep telling me anyway.
If you think about it, send a little prayer my direction. I know I'll be needing all the support I can get. And now, I am going to attempt to sleep. Good luck to me.
I think I need a hug...