Wednesday, January 24, 2007

To my knowledge, I have never had a nervous breakdown before. I think I may be very close to having one now. Approximately 8 hours ago I was asked how I felt about being the charge nurse at work tomorrow. My response? "The very thought of it terrifies me. I don't think I'm ready." End result? I am charging the pediatric unit tomorrow. Yes. I am freaked out.

I know I am probably making a bigger deal out of this than it is. I am most likely psyching myself out. I know the people I work with know my abilities, and I know they wouldn't put this on me if they didn't think I could handle it. And I also know that there are people just a phone call away who will help me in any way they can. And I know that God never calls us to do more than we are capable of doing. And I know that I am still scared out of my wits.

I held myself together at work. I listened to and wrote down everything Susie told me in my approximately hour-and-a-half-long orientation to charge nursing. I smiled and thanked everyone for their faith in me. Inside, I was crying. And as soon as I was safely out of the hospital and in my car, I was crying on the outside as well. I had a small stress-release on the way home, and then I was able to hold it together for a good hour or two. Then Susie called to tell me that I will survive tomorrow, and she will help me do so. I cried again. I cried more when I called my parents to tell them how terrified I am. You would think there might be a limit to how many freak-out tears a person is allowed, but I have clearly not reached mine yet.

What I need to do is just take a deep breath, say a prayer, and trust that God isn't going to leave me. Tomorrow is just another day. People obviously have confidence in my abilities, so I should too. Of course I won't know everything, and of course I will probably make some mistakes, but that is all part of the learning process. Right? That's what they keep telling me anyway.

If you think about it, send a little prayer my direction. I know I'll be needing all the support I can get. And now, I am going to attempt to sleep. Good luck to me.

I think I need a hug...

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Let's take a moment to consider the fact that it is currently 2:27 in the am. Clearly, I am failing miserably at the whole "let's try to normalize the sleep schedule and function like a normal human being" routine. This cannot be healthy.

I think I'm in a funk. Things are not bad, they are just...boring. I do pretty much the same things all the time: I spend 3 or 4 days a week working. Those days consist of getting up, going to work, coming home, sitting around for a while, then going to bed so I can do it all over again. Unless I don't have to work the next day, in which case I sit around until much later in the night, then go to bed and sleep through the better half of the next day. My days off consist mostly of sitting around, watching movies or whichever season of Friends we are on (currently season 6), playing on the internet, and occasionally reading. What am I doing with my life? I need something to be involved in. I need a hobby or a project of some kind. I need to feel like I am actually living life, instead of just floating around in it, wasting my time. Ideas? Suggestions? Please help!

Thursday, January 04, 2007

Today one of my patients at work noticed my braces and told me I had sparkly teeth. I might have let this comment make me self-conscious, but then he let me play puppies with him and his 2 stuffed dogs, Lenny and Fur Dog (who I think was actually a horse), and all was well with life again.

I hope everyone is enjoying a fabulous start to 2007! I can't complain. I love new years, because they make me think of new beginnngs, which are always exciting! I have no clue what God may have planned for my life in the next 12 months, but I can't wait to find out! But before I get too excited about the mysteries of the months ahead, let's enjoy some highlights from a year in the life of Brooke: 2006.
  • Graduation from nursing school. The end of my 16-year career as a student. Beautiful.
  • First real person job. In Abilene. By choice. Go figure.
  • First contribution to my retirement fund. Just the thought of that terrifies me to my very core.
  • First payment on my student loans. College was a good idea, right?
  • Brand new car. In my name. One of the scariest purchases I've ever made.
  • New puppy. She's crazy, but I love her!
  • Dental adventures from Hades. 4 extractions, 4 fillings, 2+ years of braces. I don't even want to know how much my smile will be worth when all is said and done.
  • 2 of my best friends become my 2 roommates. Words cannot describe the fun we have!
  • My brother and my cousin become my neighbors. The familial neighborhood take-over begins.

I'm sure there are many other notable events I am forgetting, but I'm beginning to bore myself, so I can only imagine what it must be like to read this. That being said, I wish everyone the happiest of happiness in 2007!! The end.