Sometimes I stress out. Against my better judgment, and for no apparent reason. This was the case yesterday. After all the things I just wrote in my last post about being content to let God lead me and guide me in the coming months and years, I let myself totally freak out about the fact that I have no idea what I will be doing a year from now, 5 years from now, etc. I guess it wasn't a completely spontaneous freak-out. It was brought on by a conversation I had with my manager at work yesterday. She was talking to Misty (the girl I am orienting...excuse me, coaching) and I about all the exciting things that are going to be taking place in pediatrics at Hendrick in the coming months and years. For example, there are plans drawn up for a new unit to be built. There are people from both Hendrick and Cook Children's working to get a pediatric chemo clinic in Abilene so that our chemo kids won't have to drive to Fort Worth for their treatments all the time. There is just so much opportunity for growth and improvement right now. It's exciting. In the course of the conversation about all of this, Tommy kept talking about how excited she is about all the new, young staff we are getting, and how we are the ones who are going to make this stuff happen. There were even a few times when she singled me out specifically, and told me various reasons why she thinks I am exactly the kind of person the unit needs to be successful. I really wasn't quite sure how to respond. It was quite a confidence booster. And to be completely honest, our conversation did get me really excited and eager to take an active role in the exciting changes that are taking place. I really do want to be able to help make a difference that will be felt for years to come. But...this is where the confusion lies. Just a week or so ago I found myself equally as excited about other prospects for my career future. Prospects that would take me out of Abilene long before the exciting changes at Hendrick will start to become a reality. Enter stress. I just don't understand how I can be equally excited about such hugely different paths. How will I ever begin to know which one to take? And how will these decisions affect other aspects of my life/how will other aspects of my life affect these decisions? I just started thinking about it all, and I got a bit overwhelmed. I spent quite a while unloading my thoughts on Charles, and trying to convince him to tell me what to do (which he declined to do). But he did remind me of all the things I have been telling him in recent weeks about trusting God and putting everything in His hands. Don't you just hate hearing someone give you your own advice? But I needed it. After a decent amount of venting, I began to calm down a bit and realize that I have no reason to stress myself out. God does have a plan for me, and He can see a much bigger picture than I can. I then began to wonder if maybe God isn't testing me just a little to see if I can practice what I preach...tricky, tricky. So I am currently working really hard to calm down and be patient and trust that God will take care of me. Just like He always has...

So I spent a good portion of last night and this morning reading all of my old blog posts. It was basically like reliving highlights of the last 3 years of my life. I enjoy the occasional journey through the past, because I am always amazed at what I can see now that I couldn't see then. I can see how confusing or frustrating times were really just a step along the way to something incredible. I can see how various events taught me valuable lessons that I will always carry with me. Basically, I can see how God was moving in my life the entire time, even though there were moments along the way when I felt like he was a million miles away. God is pretty awesome like that. It makes me wonder what incredible things he has in the works right now that I am completely oblivious to...

I already know that God is up to something big in my life right now. I don't know exactly what it is, or what it is going to look like, but I can just feel that things are about to happen. Even these past few months have been incredible. Without a doubt, the most wonderful thing he has done for me lately is bringing Charles into my life. I can't even explain how happy I am right now. I feel like our relationship is just so right. We get each other. We can talk for hours and never run out of things to say. And it's not like we're just rambling. We have real conversations about real issues. Issues that are near and dear to us. And it has been that way from day one. I honestly feel like there has never been an awkward moment between us. I don't know that I can make that claim about many other relationships I've had, dating or otherwise. I love knowing that we can talk about absolutely anything. And not just that we can, we actually do! But I also love that we are not super serious all the time. Anyone who knows me knows I am just a big kid inside, and I love being goofy and having a good time. One of the things I love about Charles is that he not only understands and appreciates that about me, he will go there right along with me! It's so fun to know that my inner child has someone to play with. I really could go on and on about all the reasons I am crazy about this guy and how excited I am about this relationship, but I will spare you for the time being. :) Just know that I love him and I am incrediby happy.

I am also getting really excited about the future as far as work goes. I am already coming up on one year of being at Hendrick, and I feel like God has really blessed me here. I feel like I have learned so much, and built such great relationships with the people that I work with. There is no doubt in my mind that the decision I made to stay in Abilene after graduation was absolutely the right decision for me. That being said, after another year here, I will have completed the 2 years I committed to when I accepted my position at Hendrick. At this point, I don't really know where I will go from here. But really, I am not overly concerned about it. I know that God has a plan for my life, and I completely trust him and believe that he will lead me there. I have a vague idea of what kind of long-term goals I'd like to accomplish career-wise, but mostly I just want to know that I am fulfilling God's plans for me. I believe that as long as I am letting him guide me, I will always be exactly where I am supposed to be.

Lesson learned: Do not brag about things over which you have no control.

Just a few days ago, I was going on and on to Charles about the fact that I never get sick. I was so proud of the fact that I couldn't remember an occasion in recent years when I had found myself in the position where I had to miss class or call in sick to work due to illness. Sure, I get the occasional cold and whatnot, but I pretty much refuse to be really sick.

If ever a person jinxed themself, I certainly did. From Friday on I found myself battling cycles of sore throat, chills, and aches, followed by extreme hot flashes and nasty sweatiness. I haven't been miserable constantly. There have been plenty of intervals of several hours in which I felt almost like a real person again, but so far those times have not stuck. And, according to the doctor, the 101 degree temperature I was running this afternoon means I cannot go to work tomorrw. Another bragging right shot down. And the worst of it is, Charles was here to see me this weekend, and here I was, a sickly bum who refused to admit she was sick. He was great though. He wrapped me up in blankets when I was shivering, held cold washcloths on my face when I thought I would burn to death, and was not repulsed by my sweatiness. He also refused to accept my stubborn claims of being perfectly fine. And the best part was, he never once acted like he didn't want to be here. Even though I apologized about a zillion times for being such a bum, he kept on telling me that there was nowhere else he'd rather be. And the crazy thing is, I think I believe him. I think I must be a pretty lucky girl. :)