Harsh Realities

So I always kind of "knew" that the hard times in life make you stronger, but I don't think I ever actually knew it. I guess for some reason I just always thought I was somehow different. Like I was somehow excluded from all the hard things in life. Not that I wouldn't learn the lessons. Oh no, I always "knew" I'd have the knowledge, I just didn't expect to have to go through the experience.

FALSE!

Talk about a harsh reality. It's not so fun to discover one day that you are not the special one chosen by God to live a life of perfect peace and harmony while the rest of the world deals with it the hard way. But here I am, realizing that I am, in fact, a normal human being. Wow.

Lesson number two I learned today: it is possible that I matter enough and mean enough to someone to have the power to hurt them. That is a scary, scary thought. And one that I never really thought was possible. Again, I don't know what my logic was behind this reasoning. I guess that I just never really thought I could mean that much to another person. It's not like I thought no one ever liked me, or loved me even, I guess I just never considered the possibility that another person could care about me deeply enough to be hurt by something I did. Or didn't do, as the case may be. Wow. Can we say selfish? That realization was one of, if not the most painful revelations I've ever had. How could I be so self-centered? How could I really worry so much about my fear of letting myself be vulnerable to someone that I was totally blind to the fact that this other person was being completely vulnerable to me? Even when he pointed it out to me, I didn't see it for what it really was. By doing so, I completely failed him. I was trusted with something very valuable and very precious, and I broke it. Now I am trying with all my might to pick up the pieces and prove that if I'm allowed the opportunity to be entrusted with it again, I'll be much more careful with it. I know it's not an opportunity that I deserve, but it's one that I would love to have.

In addition to everything else, and certainly most importantly, all of this is teaching me what it means to have faith in God. I am at a point in my life right now where I have absolutely no idea what the future holds for me. Things that I was almost certain about just a few months ago, now hang by a thread. And there's not a whole lot I can do about that. Yes, I can work to make the changes that I know I need to make, but even then, I can't guarantee that things will work out the way I would like for them to. But I know that God knows exactly what's going on right now, and exactly why it's going on, and exactly how it's all going to turn out. And I know that regardless of whether that's how I would make things turn out or not, they will turn out that way for a reason. And my life will be somehow benefitted for having gone through all this. I know all these things are true, but I have to remind myself daily. It's not easy to not be able to see the bigger picture that God sees. But I do trust that He knows what He's doing.