"God wil make a way
Where there seems to be no way.
He works in ways we cannot see.
He will make a way for me.

He will be my guide,
Hold me closely to His side.
With love and strength for each new day,
He will make a way.
He will make a way."

This song popped into my head the other day, and it hasn't left. It's never been a song I especially liked, or even heard that often. But it seems to speak to me in the situation I'm in right now. Somehow, I don't think that's a coincidence.

Harsh Realities

So I always kind of "knew" that the hard times in life make you stronger, but I don't think I ever actually knew it. I guess for some reason I just always thought I was somehow different. Like I was somehow excluded from all the hard things in life. Not that I wouldn't learn the lessons. Oh no, I always "knew" I'd have the knowledge, I just didn't expect to have to go through the experience.

FALSE!

Talk about a harsh reality. It's not so fun to discover one day that you are not the special one chosen by God to live a life of perfect peace and harmony while the rest of the world deals with it the hard way. But here I am, realizing that I am, in fact, a normal human being. Wow.

Lesson number two I learned today: it is possible that I matter enough and mean enough to someone to have the power to hurt them. That is a scary, scary thought. And one that I never really thought was possible. Again, I don't know what my logic was behind this reasoning. I guess that I just never really thought I could mean that much to another person. It's not like I thought no one ever liked me, or loved me even, I guess I just never considered the possibility that another person could care about me deeply enough to be hurt by something I did. Or didn't do, as the case may be. Wow. Can we say selfish? That realization was one of, if not the most painful revelations I've ever had. How could I be so self-centered? How could I really worry so much about my fear of letting myself be vulnerable to someone that I was totally blind to the fact that this other person was being completely vulnerable to me? Even when he pointed it out to me, I didn't see it for what it really was. By doing so, I completely failed him. I was trusted with something very valuable and very precious, and I broke it. Now I am trying with all my might to pick up the pieces and prove that if I'm allowed the opportunity to be entrusted with it again, I'll be much more careful with it. I know it's not an opportunity that I deserve, but it's one that I would love to have.

In addition to everything else, and certainly most importantly, all of this is teaching me what it means to have faith in God. I am at a point in my life right now where I have absolutely no idea what the future holds for me. Things that I was almost certain about just a few months ago, now hang by a thread. And there's not a whole lot I can do about that. Yes, I can work to make the changes that I know I need to make, but even then, I can't guarantee that things will work out the way I would like for them to. But I know that God knows exactly what's going on right now, and exactly why it's going on, and exactly how it's all going to turn out. And I know that regardless of whether that's how I would make things turn out or not, they will turn out that way for a reason. And my life will be somehow benefitted for having gone through all this. I know all these things are true, but I have to remind myself daily. It's not easy to not be able to see the bigger picture that God sees. But I do trust that He knows what He's doing.

This Is Me

So, recent events in my life have led me to the uncomfortable realization that, despite being myself for close to 22 years now, I still have no idea who I am. This unsettling fact has prompted me to dive head-first into some serious prayer and reflection in hopes that God will reveal to me the person he created me to be. Here's what I've discovered so far:

Things I Like:
girly movies, singing, Gilmore Girls, Disney movies, Play-Doh, sour candy, brownies, flip-flops, pink, glitter, music of most varieties, puppies, babies, pictures, making things clean, red, boys who dress nice, sleeping, Mexican food, thunderstorms, laughing, acting silly, playing Nertz, hot chocolate, snow cones, making lists, blankets, cuddling, sneezing, brushing my teeth, eating ice, markers, math, swings, holding hands, hugs, kisses, backrubs, making people smile, chapstick, stickers, birthdays, snow, reading, surprises, twins, PJ pants, fried okra, fun socks, cooking with friends, hamburgers, Dr. Pepper, God, my family's craziness, Christmas, doodling, coloring, sign language, freckles, my crooked toe, my clumsiness, mittens, stripes, polka dots, stars, movies that make me cry, climbing trees, trampolines, starting over, new school supplies, vanilla-scented things, eating, origami, planning ahead, notes, cookies, painting, mission trips, black-eyed peas (the food), cheesiness, talking, attention, musicals, using big words, Monopoly, typing, good handwriting, filling out paperwork, peanut butter, thrift stores, bargains, boys with trucks, thumb rings, VW Beetles

Things I Don't Like:
waking up, blue Sweet Tarts, cleaning the bathroom, practical jokes, being made fun of, being mean, fire, knives, fighting movies, fighting with people, drama, rap music, the sound of ripping fabric, doing laundry, the word "panties," coffee, marshmallows (except in hot chocolate), hurting my friends (or anyone, for that matter), drinking (personally, it doesn't bother me if other people do), smoking, cussing, pumping gas, grocery shopping, being cold, being dizzy, mayonaise, running, sarcasm, fake-ness, being depressed, thongs, dryer lint, inside jokes, being left out, strapless bras, cheese by itself, bruises, lipstick, acne, my procrastination tendencies, snakes, research, hole-y socks, painted fingernails, long fingernails, my clumsiness, homework, gossip, the smell of flowers, my teeth, high maintenance-ness, earwax, dusting, aimless shopping, vegetables, milk, being afraid, being shy, yellow gold, poncho-shirts, stains, shaving, excessive hair, throwing up, tea, lemons in my water, tapered pants, pleats, writing papers, warts, rudeness, mullets, facial hair, flossing, nuts, pinkie rings, boxy-looking cars

Things I Want to Accomplish in My Life:
learn to juggle, swim with dolphins, learn to ride a unicylce, go to Hawaii, find a job I love, get married, have twins, make a 4.0 this year, finally find my ideal haircut, read the whole Bible, know what it's like to be fully content in God, live in a house with a wrap-around porch, be good at playing the piano, master time-management, influence someone for good, learn how to be my own person

Sometimes I wish I could just have a re-do. It's been a rough week.

Topping off my hard times, today I unknowingly dropped my chapstick in the parking lot at my apartment and it got run over. Life is mean.